Thoughts to end the year

This is actually my journal entry I wrote a few days ago. I thought it important to being 2007 with my final thoughts on the past year.
A NEW THEOLOGY OF ‘SUSAN’

12/29/06
What does “A New Theology of Susan” actually mean? First of all the word “theology” implies that I have a way of thinking about myself. I have given meaning to various aspects of my life – physical, social, emotional, spiritual. I have applied definitions – whether true or false – to what it means to be happy, successful, enjoy life, grow up, deal with my past, face reality and a whole basket full of events of my life. Most of the meaning and definition I have applied (and believed) has some, but not all, to do with God and His Word. The other part is a conglomeration of erroneous thoughts and beliefs. Theology is defined as “the study of God and of God’s relation to the world”. Therein lies the problem and brings us to the second point, a discussion of the word “new”. New implies that there has been something old, that is no longer useful or necessary. And it brings to mind a picture of old things being thrown out and replaced with new things. In reality, this means that old thoughts, meanings and the aforementioned ‘theology’ will be overhauled, cleaned up, refined and replaced with newer, better and right thoughts and feelings – based on God’s view of me.

Why now? That is a very long discussion and rightfully so as it has been a long time in discovering. There was a lot of self-examination this past year (2006). It all started when I served on a team at our church. We were faced changing the leadership structure of our church. We had to determine what kind of leaders we felt God desired for our church and how to select them. This led to me being a part of the second phase of the team where we were charged with the task of devising a way to solicit candidates for the role and ministry of elders. We developed a nomination form, a detailed questionnaire and a vast array of questions for a personal interview. All of those required complete honesty from individuals about their past and their current lifestyles, what they believed and how they would handle certain situations. It made me realize that we each need to be more ‘self-aware’ and that some people were fooling themselves, because we were able to see if the kind of person they thought they were is really what others thought about them or how they actually projected themselves. All during that process, I kept asking myself, “What if I had to answer these questions?” The very thought of having to undergo that same scrutiny paralyzed me. Of course, we had always mentioned that the a similar process that elders were going through would be what the staff would go through. So, I realized that I had better be doing some thinking and preparing to be asked very personal and deep questions. Bottom line – I had to come to terms with all kinds of things about myself and my beliefs.

Another turn of events that has drawn me to the point of being involved in a group called “Kitchen Table Counselors”. This is a group of women, who unofficially serve as mentors, listeners and caregivers among the women in our church. We met together monthly for discussion, sharing, accountability and encouragement. We were learning how to be better counselors and caregivers. As part of that process, we have each been asked to share “our story”. We were told that it wouldn’t be easy to get to that point and that it wouldn’t be easy to listen to each other share so honestly. But that the process would allow us to know each other better and to know how we could serve the body better. As several women in our group shared their stories, I was hit in the face with the reality that I would need to share my story. And I knew that they were being incredibly brave to reveal their story with such honest. It obviously wasn’t easy for them. And I know it won’t be easy for me either. But, I begin to wonder…when will be the right time for me to share? It is not important because I was a part of this KTC group, but because I was a part of the Body of Christ. There are things in my life that I have experienced that God can use for His good. But He can’t use me if nobody else ever knows about them or if I never make myself available to be used in that way. So, I once again realized that I needed to know who I was, what I had been through and what God had taught me.

So, during the late fall, my dear friends were gracious to let me share my story with them. Actually, he said to me once, ‘there is a story behind you Susan and I’d love to hear more about it.’ The fact that someone was interested in me – not just what I could do for them, but really wanted to know about me was unthinkable. So, in preparation for being able to share more about who I am with him, I needed to first share and be completely honest with his wife. In the past few years, they have become such precious friends to me. They have opened their home to me, allowed me to participate as part of their family and have walked with me through treacherous times in the recent past. It seems that I developed a friendship with her first, but I have grown closer in relationship with him has we have shared experiences more this past year. I respect them. I look to them as examples of a life devoted to following God. We laugh together and at each other. We observe life and all the funny that comes with it. We face difficult times. They encourage. They advise. That stand beside me. I know that there is not anything that I could not discuss with either of them. They both have a way with drawing things out that are buried deep within and cutting to the deep matters of the heart. I met with Marcie one weekend when Neil was out of town. After our talk it felt like some of the veil was lifted and I could truly begin to live as ‘me’ and not what I thought others wanted me to be. I wanted to share with Neil shortly after that, but the timing was never right. I actually shared my story during a staff retreat. An amazing thing happened. They asked question after question and I knew the time was right. So, I shared my struggles with my four friends and co-laborers. And as they listened, there was no backlash or disgust in what they heard - only loving thoughts, words of wisdom and calls to action. After I shared, they said that they now understood where some of my false thinking about myself originated. They said I should not believe the lies that Satan and the world have told me and I’ve believed. They are challenging me to do something about it and to work at redefining who I am. That means not just talking about it, but truly discovering it in His Word, thinking about it, praying through it, and acting differently because of it.

So, the new theology of Susan begins. It starts with being honest with myself. It will continue if I truly live out what I discover. I know it will take a lot of work and it won’t be easy. I know there are others who love me and will continue to love me, no matter what. I know that my friends and my co-workers will not let this slip by – they will hold me to it. I plan to make changes to how I think and act. It will come one step at a time. I can’t just jump in and change in one moment or one day. So, I plead with you Lord, “Let me know your presence like never before. I want to learn about who I am and who you have made me to be. I want to live differently because of your Spirit at work within me and the hope and freedom you allow me to enjoy because of Christ. Father, I want to know you. May your word be near to me and deep within me. I want to walk in your ways. And all for your glory!” Today it’s time to start a major overhaul.

Question: Have you taken the time and effort to know who you are?