words

Today I experienced something - a new thing. Some would say a prophetic word was spoken over me. Now, there are people in my life whom I believe to have the gift of prophecy. And they have spoken words to me before, which I believe to have come from God and I received. But they know me personally. But today, someone whom I don't know personally and I don't believe had any knowledge of me said some very interesting things that leave me with only one option - his words come directly from God. Now, he admitted that he doesn't know if they relate to my past, present or future - he is only being obedient to say them. He started by saying, "I hear something, but I'm not really sure how to say it." I asked him to speak honestly. He also seemed concerned about time - (I was concerned about not being able to leave in time to make it to class) to which I responded, "take all the time you need." So, here's what he said....or something like it:

"Many people hear laughter from you. It is good. You are good to be around. People see your laughter. But God hears your weeping in the quiet place, he sees your tears. He takes your tears and gathers them together, they are beautiful to Him. He wants you to know that the time has not passed, it is not too late. It will happen in God's time. You are good to be around. Remember that with God nothing is impossible. You are better today than you were yesterday. Satan has told you lies, do not believe them. Go home today and look in the mirror and say, "I love you" and believe it. It is like God is turning the knobs one by one.....click, click, click, click. Until He gets to the lock and breaks it open and then you will be released. Satan will be upset because you will be released for the Kingdom. God wants you to know that He will always be with you."

Some of the words were confirmation to me for what I have been experiencing recently and what God is showing me about Himself and about myself. Some are the exact same words spoken by dear friends recently. Some of the words were haunting - that this man could speak so clearly and specifically about me and my life. Some words were hopeful, reminding me of God's character and nature.

Thank you God for an obedient servant who speaks from your heart without consideration or bias on his or my part. May I receive Your words that were spoken through Norman. I pray to know your full blessing as these words come alive in my life. I am excited about what God is doing and anxious to see how it unfolds. I will let you know as things develop.

the freedom found in forgiveness

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Forgiveness. It can be an incredible burden to bear. Words. Actions. Hurt. Disappointment. Suffering. Desiring Justice. Anger. Strife. Heartache.

Forgiveness. It can also bring an overwhelming freedom. Putting it down. Letting it go. Leaving it in God's hands. Release. Eyes opening. Fear gone. Heart warming. Peace. Joy.

I have carried the burden and hurt of not forgiving for over 18 years. How stupid is that? Was I mad at him? Was I mad at my family? Was I mad at my friends? I had allowed the pain to fester and build scabs around my heart. I introduced a cancer into my life that I never thought could be cured.

I understand now that I was angry, hurt and upset at no one else but myself. For years I have told myself that God has forgiven me. Even then, it took a while for me to really believe it. I do believe it, without a doubt. But somewhere in all that - I had failed to forgive myself. I've said words about myself that have been hurtful. I have ignored aspects of my life, because it is so much easier to avoid confrontation. Even when it is yourself that you don't want to forgive.

I now live as a free woman! Praise God! Hallelujah! Let the angels rejoice! I know that when my Father looks at me, He only sees a beautiful creation - forgiven by the blood of Crhist.

What a beautiful experience I had on Sunday as we took communion. For the first time in a long time I didn't stand before my God with my head downcast, like a little child waiting for punishment. But, I stood as a free woman - redeemed, ransomed and rejoicing before my Savior. I had to fight to approach the table with a soberness because all I wanted to do was smile and dance before the Lord and truly celebrate.

And none of this is my doing. I am simply trying to live in light of His Word - "forgive just as in Christ forgave you" - and it begins with myself. Praise God to whom all blessings flow!

friends

Don't you just love them? I've never thought of myself as a person who must be surrounded by a ton of friends. Nor do I think of myself as only having one or two close friends. I think I'm a good friend - guess you'd have to ask some of those people I call 'friend' and see what they say. And once, way back in junior high/high school, I would say that I had a "best friend". I've had very close relationships with people at different times in my life - you know the kind, where you can stop by their house for "just a minute" and then you end staying until the wee hours of the morning...just talking and doing fun stuff together. But, I often think of myself as very independent, not wanting to be needy or impose on anyone else. So, sometimes the idea of 'friendship' is a little scary for me.

But lately, I've noticed that God has brought some incredible people into my life. It's not like I've moved to a new place or started working somewhere different. But I've just began to realize what a blessing each one of them is to me. Here's a few insights:

#1 Recently, I went to the movies on my day off with a friend. It wasn't a long time we spent together. But it was refreshing. We laughed and I thought how much I wished we could do that more often. And I know that another day will come where we'll meet for coffee or lunch or something and talk real fast about all that God is doing in our lives. I look forward to that.

#2 Back in November I had breakfast with a friend I used to work with. We really hadn't talked in over a month. We weren't on a rushed schedule and so it was good to sit and talk about some of the deep things of life. I forget how important it is to engage yourself in conversation that has real meaning and to honestly encourage and challenge one another. I must call them soon!

#3 I've been thinking alot about another friend of mine who moved away last April. Whenever he comes to mind I try to pray for him. I called him and left a quick message, but never heard back from him. More time passed and he was still on my mind, so I dropped a card in the mail to him. I hope that when he got it he remembers all the times we used to sit and just talk and share crazy stories about life. And when his schedule settles down and he does call, I know that it will be like all these days haven't passed and we'll pick up right where we left - without a minute of silence between us.

#4 Another friend of mine pulled me aside the other day and said, "Remember that talk we had a month or so ago. Well, I was thinking about it and I have some questions for you." Now, these were not easy questions for me or for them. But I'm ever so thankful for a friend who cares deeply and won't let things slip by. He causes me to want to be that kind of friend - ever sensitive to the little words and actions of others and what they might be implying about the inner thoughts and attitudes.

#5 And for new friends...there are a few people that I've been able to spend more time with recently. I love the vitality and enthusiasm for life that one of them has. I enjoy being around her and all her ideas. Difficult circumstances drew the other person and I closer together. I could see hanging out with her and getting to know her better. You see, I am learning more about them and it makes me want to share more of myself with them (which I am not usually easily inclined to do). I am beginning to understand know how closed off and comfortable I can be with my little circle of friends, not allowing myself to be open to others. The presence of these 'new friends' in my life has reminded me that I can't do that - because I will be the one to miss the blessing.

I am also learning how to express my gratitude to my friends. Not in gifts or flowers or anything tangible. But to say in words, directly to them, how meaningful they are to me. I'm afraid that I didn't do that with relationships in my past. And I see the importance of that now more than ever before.

What is it that you want to say to your friends?

a new name

So over the Christmas holidays my mom revealed something about me to the rest of my family. She told everyone that before I was born, she had thought about naming me....are you ready for this?.........




ZANOBIA



I can't believe it. I could have a whole other personality and life based on that name! However, my mom is a simple woman and chose to name me SUSAN. I love my name. But I just find "Zanobia" very interesting.

Just think about it, what if our parents didn't name us and we got to choose our own name? What would we be calling you?

Thoughts to end the year

This is actually my journal entry I wrote a few days ago. I thought it important to being 2007 with my final thoughts on the past year.
A NEW THEOLOGY OF ‘SUSAN’

12/29/06
What does “A New Theology of Susan” actually mean? First of all the word “theology” implies that I have a way of thinking about myself. I have given meaning to various aspects of my life – physical, social, emotional, spiritual. I have applied definitions – whether true or false – to what it means to be happy, successful, enjoy life, grow up, deal with my past, face reality and a whole basket full of events of my life. Most of the meaning and definition I have applied (and believed) has some, but not all, to do with God and His Word. The other part is a conglomeration of erroneous thoughts and beliefs. Theology is defined as “the study of God and of God’s relation to the world”. Therein lies the problem and brings us to the second point, a discussion of the word “new”. New implies that there has been something old, that is no longer useful or necessary. And it brings to mind a picture of old things being thrown out and replaced with new things. In reality, this means that old thoughts, meanings and the aforementioned ‘theology’ will be overhauled, cleaned up, refined and replaced with newer, better and right thoughts and feelings – based on God’s view of me.

Why now? That is a very long discussion and rightfully so as it has been a long time in discovering. There was a lot of self-examination this past year (2006). It all started when I served on a team at our church. We were faced changing the leadership structure of our church. We had to determine what kind of leaders we felt God desired for our church and how to select them. This led to me being a part of the second phase of the team where we were charged with the task of devising a way to solicit candidates for the role and ministry of elders. We developed a nomination form, a detailed questionnaire and a vast array of questions for a personal interview. All of those required complete honesty from individuals about their past and their current lifestyles, what they believed and how they would handle certain situations. It made me realize that we each need to be more ‘self-aware’ and that some people were fooling themselves, because we were able to see if the kind of person they thought they were is really what others thought about them or how they actually projected themselves. All during that process, I kept asking myself, “What if I had to answer these questions?” The very thought of having to undergo that same scrutiny paralyzed me. Of course, we had always mentioned that the a similar process that elders were going through would be what the staff would go through. So, I realized that I had better be doing some thinking and preparing to be asked very personal and deep questions. Bottom line – I had to come to terms with all kinds of things about myself and my beliefs.

Another turn of events that has drawn me to the point of being involved in a group called “Kitchen Table Counselors”. This is a group of women, who unofficially serve as mentors, listeners and caregivers among the women in our church. We met together monthly for discussion, sharing, accountability and encouragement. We were learning how to be better counselors and caregivers. As part of that process, we have each been asked to share “our story”. We were told that it wouldn’t be easy to get to that point and that it wouldn’t be easy to listen to each other share so honestly. But that the process would allow us to know each other better and to know how we could serve the body better. As several women in our group shared their stories, I was hit in the face with the reality that I would need to share my story. And I knew that they were being incredibly brave to reveal their story with such honest. It obviously wasn’t easy for them. And I know it won’t be easy for me either. But, I begin to wonder…when will be the right time for me to share? It is not important because I was a part of this KTC group, but because I was a part of the Body of Christ. There are things in my life that I have experienced that God can use for His good. But He can’t use me if nobody else ever knows about them or if I never make myself available to be used in that way. So, I once again realized that I needed to know who I was, what I had been through and what God had taught me.

So, during the late fall, my dear friends were gracious to let me share my story with them. Actually, he said to me once, ‘there is a story behind you Susan and I’d love to hear more about it.’ The fact that someone was interested in me – not just what I could do for them, but really wanted to know about me was unthinkable. So, in preparation for being able to share more about who I am with him, I needed to first share and be completely honest with his wife. In the past few years, they have become such precious friends to me. They have opened their home to me, allowed me to participate as part of their family and have walked with me through treacherous times in the recent past. It seems that I developed a friendship with her first, but I have grown closer in relationship with him has we have shared experiences more this past year. I respect them. I look to them as examples of a life devoted to following God. We laugh together and at each other. We observe life and all the funny that comes with it. We face difficult times. They encourage. They advise. That stand beside me. I know that there is not anything that I could not discuss with either of them. They both have a way with drawing things out that are buried deep within and cutting to the deep matters of the heart. I met with Marcie one weekend when Neil was out of town. After our talk it felt like some of the veil was lifted and I could truly begin to live as ‘me’ and not what I thought others wanted me to be. I wanted to share with Neil shortly after that, but the timing was never right. I actually shared my story during a staff retreat. An amazing thing happened. They asked question after question and I knew the time was right. So, I shared my struggles with my four friends and co-laborers. And as they listened, there was no backlash or disgust in what they heard - only loving thoughts, words of wisdom and calls to action. After I shared, they said that they now understood where some of my false thinking about myself originated. They said I should not believe the lies that Satan and the world have told me and I’ve believed. They are challenging me to do something about it and to work at redefining who I am. That means not just talking about it, but truly discovering it in His Word, thinking about it, praying through it, and acting differently because of it.

So, the new theology of Susan begins. It starts with being honest with myself. It will continue if I truly live out what I discover. I know it will take a lot of work and it won’t be easy. I know there are others who love me and will continue to love me, no matter what. I know that my friends and my co-workers will not let this slip by – they will hold me to it. I plan to make changes to how I think and act. It will come one step at a time. I can’t just jump in and change in one moment or one day. So, I plead with you Lord, “Let me know your presence like never before. I want to learn about who I am and who you have made me to be. I want to live differently because of your Spirit at work within me and the hope and freedom you allow me to enjoy because of Christ. Father, I want to know you. May your word be near to me and deep within me. I want to walk in your ways. And all for your glory!” Today it’s time to start a major overhaul.

Question: Have you taken the time and effort to know who you are?

what?

After an amazing long absence from the blogging world, I am back. And I'm back like never before. During the past few months, I've traded my blogging time for some serious hand-written journaling time. One night I sensed that God needed to talk with me - or He wanted me to talk with Him. And so, I turned off the computer and got a pen and paper and begin to unload my heart to Him. And it has been an incredible experience!

Here's my Top 10 List of what I've discovered while journaling:
10. Friends are God's incredible gift to us.
9. I keep many things hidden deep within me.
8. There's a lot of things that I think about myself that are simply not true.
7. God has amazing thoughts about me and I have to learn and believe what that is exactly.
6. I need to live differently based on what I learn and know about God.
5. The days ahead (each and every day in 2007) are going to be brutal.
4. I am going to find JOY in each day, the choices I face and the decisions I make.
3. I no longer have to hide behind my "dancing queen" identity.
2. I am Susan - this crazy mixture of sweet, spice, sassy and surprising.
1. I have begun the journey of honesty in my life.

So, I hope to blog more - no need to keep things secret anymore. I know that I will no longer be keeping my thoughts and emotions buried. So, I will be publishing more often and I want to hear what you have to say and engage in some great discussion.

And, I hope to journal more often too. It was simple, earthy and unearthing. I want to be still and listen to God and open up to Him.

Here's to a year like I haven't had in a very long time - honest and real.

Question: What do you sense God is saying to you?